Sunday, March 28, 2010
It's not that this baby isn't wanted. It's just that I wasn't wanting a baby.
There's a magnet on my refrigerator that says, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." Not until this past Friday, did I really realize the magnitude of this saying!
Because of a pregnancy test I took this past Friday, I found out I am pregnant! It was the craziest thing. The test hadn't even begun giving me a result and yet, in my heart, I already knew the answer. I don't remember what it was that prompted me to take the test. I think it was that my usual favorite drink, Pepsi, didn't taste as satisfying as it always does. That and the whole week prior, I felt so restless at night. I would get hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. The light in my head came on: better take a test!
Funny how God can whisper to a person's heart and give them the answer to something before the person has even asked. God had pulled the rug out from under me--WHAM!!!
Bret and I talked a few months back and had decided, babies were most likely a thing in our past, unless they were adopted. We loved "having" our three but, the first 5-6 months of pregnancy are terrible and tough for me, for us. The "morning sickness" (whoever came up with that term must have been a man!) lasts 24/7 and for about 5 months for me. I become almost useless. It's very depressing. It's so bad for me that, the toilet is bypassed, I just go to the nearest tub. It's easier to clean! ;)Until someone goes through it, through the worst of it, I just don't think a person can grasp how truly awful the whole nausea/throwing up 24/7 thing can be! And it's especially discouraging when there are other children and a husband who are counting on you to support them, cook for them, take them to the park, run errands, etc. After all, it is my job--one that I love!
For the past two months, Bret and I have spent hours and hours in adoption classes, preparing for what we were hoping was the impending adoption of a daughter, a future best friend for Scarlet, a 4th to even things out around here. We've spent money on babysitting expenses, fingerprinting, buying furniture for our growing family, and more. We've invested time filling out paperwork galore, going to meetings, going through interviews, having home visits, and talking about our hopes and dreams for the future of our family.
So, here we are now, us in the middle of the adoption process and me, now pregnant!
We've gotten a lot of, "What are your plans now?" To put it simply, we are still hoping to adopt. We plan to "keep on, keep on, keep on, keepin' on"! We've gotten plenty of, "If you ask me, this is what I think you should do: ____". We've gotten, "Really, your plans haven't changed?!" I've gotten, "How are you going to 'do it all'?" To that, I can only say, by the Grace of God, AS USUAL! :) While this baby was not dreamed about, hoped for, prayed for, or tried for, we are happy to be blessed with it. It took a few days but, the excitement is finally starting to kick in! Of course, yes, I'm already thinking, "Now what, Lord?!" But, it's like my sister, Kim, said to me after I told her the news (holding back the tears) and explained that I felt totally and completely overwhelmed, she said, "Joy! Remember, God will never give us more than we can handle! This is a blessing!" It took me a minute but then I thought, DUH! I know that!! What is the matter with me?! I was so happy to hear her say that. I was so happy to hear her laughter when I told her I was pregnant. As a mom of 3 who also knows what it feels like to feel overwhelmed at times, she also knows about the Grace of God and how He always seems to come along just at the right time to save our sanity!!! :) I was finally able to laugh a bit, realizing that God had played something of a little joke on me! :)
Yes, I still feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I also firmly believe that God's plans are 110% perfect and timed impeccably. I will continue to trust in Him. It's just so happens that right now is one of those tough times when I have to "walk the walk", not just "talk the talk".
Please pray with me that God will bless me with a throw-up free pregnancy! :) I've never actually been able to enjoy being pregnant. I've always been jealous of those women who've had easy pregancies! But then, I guess it just makes me that much more appreciative of all my (and His!) hard work at the end.
Please pray with me about our plans for adopting. I plan to call our social worker tommorow and tell her what's going on and see where we go from here. There is a possibility they may not even allow us to continue with the adoption. We are working with a private adoption agency and they are "calling all the shots". Apparently, the state of CA is very hesitant to allow military families to adopt anyways. I will be sad if they decide to no longer work with us but again, God has His reasons. He's got a plan. We can make all kinds of plans but, obviously God's got it ALL under control. And sometimes, just like we had ours this weekend, He needs a good laugh, too! What a sense of humor our God has! I didn't find it so funny on Friday but, I'm coming around...
at 7:41 PM