Sunday, May 9, 2010

So Undeserving

(Sunflowers, my favorite flower, chocolate covered strawberries, and new high-tech oven mitts from Bret and the kids.)

I took a moment today to just watch. Jaxon, Scarlet, and Liam each of them running around, busy in what Bret and I like to call their own "little world". I couldn't figure out if it was my pregnancy hormones or just the overwhelming realization how BLESSED I am. I sat back and looked at my three children and felt so UNDESERVING of them! And then came a few tears. :)

As each of my children were born, I spent that first day after giving birth, taking time to pray over each of them. I've prayed for their physical safey--Scarlet, as a girl and future woman, in particular. I've prayed for their mental protection, the boys, in particular, that God would shield their eyes from evil such as pornography and give them a heavy conscience to view only Godly things. I've prayed that God will make them all mentally strong and give them a desire to learn. I've prayed for emotional protection for each of them that they might learn to live by God's instruction and not by how they might *feel* at particular moments even when God's way seems too hard or too much to ask of them. I spent time praying for their future spouses, even knowing that they might not have been born yet! :)

Most importantly, I prayed, I begged, yes, BEGGED God to give me the wisdom, patience, skill, knowledge, time, love, and strength to be the kind of mother to them that HE would have me to be. I realized that 1st day after Jaxon was born that, I could NEVER do this job alone. If I was going to be a mom, I would need God. I would need His help. His guidance. His reminders. His comfort.

He has been so faithful. I have failed them time and time again and yet, I continue to take comfort in knowing that God is with me on this journey. I see the people they are becoming and it is thrilling! It is so exciting to see them already developing a love for God, a Godly love and concern for others, an understanding of what it means to trust God, and already, a desire to please God.

I am constantly reminding myself that, one day, I will stand before God and have to give an account to Him of what I did in regards to my parenting, to my training up of the kids. What an intimidating thought! I remind myself that while I may have given birth to them, they are His! He "knit" them together and poured down His love for them thousands of years ago, long before they would be born. It is very humbling to think that He blessed my life with them. MY life!? But, knowing He is with me every step of the way gives me the confidence and hope that I am able to do the job that He would have me do. I may not do it perfectly but, I am doing it.

1 comment:

  1. Just found your blog, via Leslia McChutcheon, facebook, etc.... anywho...I'm from Louisville too, also an army wife and mother of five. I read a bit of your blog about missing NC and KY...girl I hear ya...I miss KY SO MUCH!! I saw that you are in Monteray, I have a wonderful friend who is also there...interested in making a new friend??

    -Heather Spencer ( we lived at Fort Riley for five years, hince the email address). My blog (that I haven't updated in FOREVER is Good luck with adoption, life, etc... :0)